A match made in heaven
by FannyT
Summary: A one-shot containing screaming, excessive use of swear words (thus: the rating), fluffy earmuffs, two angels and aspirin. Oh yeah, and Kagome and Inu-yasha too.


Disclaimer: I don't own Inu-yasha.

A match made in heaven.

The class of 12 K was sitting quietly in their classroom, each student occupied with their maths. It was a beautiful and tranquil morning, and the teacher sighed with content as he leaned back in his chair, ready for an hour of complete rest. However, at that moment the peace was brutally broken as two of the school's most well-known students made their usual entrance. 

"I JUST CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU, YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD!"

"OH YEAH, SO NOW IT'S MY FAULT WE'RE LATE, HUH? I'M NOT THE ONE WHO SPENT FUCKING HALF AN HOUR IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR BEFORE WE COULD LEAVE!"

The entire class sighed to a man and stuffed their fingers into their ears. The teacher, his face showing nothing but a mild resignation, took a pair of fluffy earmuffs from his desk and clapped them over his own ears. 

"SO YOU JUST HAD TO STOP FOR FUCKING FIVE MINUTES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, HUH?"

"IT WAS A FUCKING RED LIGHT, WOMAN! WHAT DID YOU WANT ME TO DO?!"

The door opened and the voices grew – if possible – even louder as Kagome Higurashi and Inu Yasha strode in, still screaming at each other. 

"WELL NEXT TIME YOU CAN JUST TAKE YOUR FUCKING CAR KEYS AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR – "

"Higurashi, Yasha, detention this afternoon," said the teacher wearily. He had removed his earmuffs after realizing that they didn't help one bit. Oh, how he wished for an aspirin. 

Inu and Kagome stared at each other for about five seconds before simultaneously screaming,

"AND _NOW_ LOOK WHAT YOU DID!"

                                                                    *

God woke with a start. 

"What on earth was _that_?!" he exclaimed, jumping to his feet at once. "Assuming it was on earth, of course. The Angel of Fire has been experimenting a bit too much with gunpowder lately… Metathron!" 

"Yes?" said a voice just below his elbow. God jumped in a very undignified fashion and then fixed his right-hand man with the famous I-happen-to-be-the-supreme-ruler-of-the-Universe-stare.

"What have I said about appearing out of thin air like that?"

"Sorry."

God gave him another stare for good measure and then seated himself behind his desk, putting his fingertips together and looking piercingly at Metathron over the top of them. Hey, he had heard it worked for some other longhaired guy in a book about wizards and stuff, so why not for him?

"What is that terrible noise?" he asked, wincing as another sound resembling an explosion was heard. 

"I believe it is two humans arguing," Metathron answered with a straight face.

"WHAT?!!" God exclaimed, before remembering who he was and assuming a more serious, God-like expression. "Hrm, I mean, is that possible? Can two mere humans make that amount of noise? And what _are_ they arguing so fiercely about?"

"I am not entirely sure," said Metathron, frowning slightly. "Those two argue constantly about everything possible, you tend to sort of tune out after a while."

"Hmm," God said thoughtfully, and Metathron sighed inwardly. He knew that look. His master was getting ready to do something very wise again. It always ended in disaster. Just take the last time – he sent his son down to earth and hey presto! the brat started his own religion, culminating in wars and the killing of those who didn't follow it.  

"I can see we're going to have to do something about this," God decided after a while. "Send one of the cherubs down, won't you? A little love is just what the two of them need. And bring me an aspirin too, while you're up and about."

                                                                    *

"No," groaned Twinkie, the cherub. "Please tell me you're kidding."

"I'm sorry," said Metathron resignedly, "but God's mind is made up. You are to go down to earth and make these two humans fall in love."

"But… but… NOOOO!" screamed Twinkie. "History is against us! It _always_ screws up when we try to make two humans fall in love with each other. Just take the Adam and Eve cock-up! Everything would have been fine, they could have kept their stupid paradise, but then God just _had_ to go and make them fall in love, didn't he. After that it just went downhill."

"I know, I know," sighed Metathron. "But you know how it is, he's the boss. Just go down there and do what you do best."

"Yeah, yeah." With a last shake of his head and a muttered "we're _so_ doomed", Twinkie the cherub picked up his bow and arrows, straightened his pink toga – he had been demanding a change of uniforms for six thousand years but would God listen? – and flew off.

                                                                    *

She remembered the day as if it had been yesterday. She was eight years old and her mother spoke to her over the breakfast table. 

"Kagome, a demon family is moving in next door this afternoon. They have two sons, one in your age. What do you say we go and visit them later today?"

Kagome had gladly agreed, the prospect of a new playmate exciting her beyond belief. That afternoon she tagged along behind her mother as she went to welcome the new neighbours, looking forward to finding a new friend. Peeking under her mother's arm, she saw a boy with long white hair and little dog ears on the top of his head. 

She hated him on sight. 

The feeling proved to be mutual. For ten years they had been going to the same class, travelling to school together – "What a good idea! It'll save a lot of money!" their parents happily decided – and hating every minute of it. They vented their feelings by trying to destroy the other's life as much as possible. 

"So can you tell me what exactly you want the sulphuric acid for?" asked Sango cautiously as they sat in the yard eating lunch, fearing she already knew the answer. 

"Well you see, I had this beautiful idea of what one could do to Inu-yasha's wardrobe," said Kagome promptly, proving Sango right. There was a twisted mind underneath that pretty face which sometimes made Sango wonder what on earth she was thinking when she chose Kagome as her best friend. "All those singlets and tight shirts… just one little drop on each… imagine his face when he found out."

"You are absolutely sick," Miroku said in a weary voice, stroking Sango's hair to the side and kissing her neck lightly. "I missed you during maths," he murmured, and she tilted her head, inviting him to continue as he kissed the side of her throat, her ear, her cheek…

"Get a room guys, you're disgusting," Kagome snorted, effectively ruining the tender moment. Miroku and Sango, her best-but-sometimes-very-exasperated friends, caught each other's eye and sighed. Some day they'd really have to get a guy for Kagome so she'd leave them alone. The trouble was that any growing relationship of hers was immediately ruined by Inu-yasha. The most memorable occasion was probably when he turned up during a date she had with Hojo, wearing nothing but a top hat and a pair of boxers, insisting that she came home to bed. Of course, Hojo – being who he was – had merely asked whether Inu-yasha was her father and why he made her go to bed so early, but Kagome still fumed about the event for weeks. 

She got her chance for revenge about one month later, when Inu-yasha was taking Kagura home for the first time. While he was out, Kagome quickly redecorated his room – covering the walls with posters of girls clad in very little clothes, spray-painting the space that was left with graffiti and assorted rude words and scattering porn-films and -magazines all over the floor. 

Kagura refused to see Inu-yasha ever again. In return for this he snuck into Kagome's house and dyed her hair green one night when she was asleep. She didn't come to school for three weeks.

And so it went on and on and on, attack and counter-attack, revenge and revenge again. Sango and Miroku were getting pretty tired of it, to say the least. 

There was a whistling noise and a piece of paper, rolled into a small, hard ball, hit Kagome in the back of the head. She opened her mouth and screamed just the one word: "INU!!!"

"Yes?" said Inu sweetly, walking up to her and smiling in a friendly fashion. Sango and Miroku quickly ran for cover, as did all the other people within a twenty-metre radius. The last fight between Kagome and Inu had landed fourteen students standing too near in hospital with fractured eardrums. 

"Did you just throw this piece of paper at my head?" asked Kagome calmly, holding up exhibit A: ball of paper. Inu-yasha inspected it from all angles for about twenty seconds with a thoughtful frown on his face. Then he handed it back to her and answered,

"Yes, as a matter of fact I did."

A little further off a teacher had finally gotten the door to the underground safety room open, and was gesturing frantically for the students to get inside. He could see an explosion coming on any minute now.

"Oh," said Kagome, still in that frighteningly calm voice. "And why did you throw this piece of paper at my head?"

"Well, let's see…" Inu frowned thoughtfully again. "Firstly, because I hate your guts. Secondly, because I can't stand you. Thirdly, because you annoy the shit out of me. And then the last reason was that you make me want to puke."

At that moment Twinkie the cherub put two arrows to his bow, took careful aim and let fly. 

"OH YEAH?!" Kagome started, building up steam to let a long good scream get going, then suddenly faltered. Her eyes slowly started to fill with tears. "How – how – how _could_ you say something like that to me?" she sobbed. 

The people who hadn't yet reached the safety room froze in their tracks and stared bewildered at her. What was this? Some new form of diverting tactics? A hundred pair of eyes swivelled to Inu to see how he would take it.

He looked _sorry_.

"No, Kagome! Sorry, I didn't know what I was saying!" he exclaimed, moving towards her and reaching out his hand to touch her cheek, gently brushing the tears away. 

The entire body of students gaped. What on earth…? If they didn't know that it was impossible for Inu and Kagome to cooperate on anything at all, they would have thought the pair was putting on some kind of show. A few students pulled out their diaries to check if it was April Fools' Day. 

Twinkie the cherub started to feel a little worried. This was almost going _too_ well.

"Don't you see how much that hurts me?! I – I _love_ you!" Kagome hiccoughed, resting her cheek in Inu's palm. 

"I love you too," he whispered, and as the yard was now dead quiet, everyone heard him. "I promise I'll never hurt you again."

The silence fell like a shroud over the yard, until the rest of the school with one voice exclaimed,

"SAY WHAT?!"

                                                                    *

"Yes," said Inu proudly, "Kagome and I love each other and we're not afraid to let anyone know it. Isn't that right, darling?"

"You're _always_ right, sweetheart," Kagome giggled, nestling closer to him. They were sitting together under the cherry tree in the yard, surrounded by people who couldn't believe what they had just seen. All around them students of the school were arguing about what had just happened. 

"THAT IS _NOT_ ACTING, YOU BLIND FUCKING MORON!" screamed Sango at her boyfriend. "KAGOME HAS NEVER BEEN ABLE TO ACT IN HER ENTIRE LIFE!"

"OH YEAH?" Miroku screamed back. "ARE YOU SUGGESTING THEY ARE SERIOUS OR WHAT NOW? ARE YOU JUST PRETENDING TO BE THAT BLOODY STUPID OR IS IT ACTUALLY FOR REAL?!"

A little further off, Sota was involved in a fight with a couple of his classmates.

"SOTA HAS A SOPPY SISTER, SOTA HAS A SOPPY SISTER!"

 "I'M TELLING YOU THAT'S NOT MY SISTER! MY SISTER DOESN'T BEHAVE LIKE THAT! IT'S A FAKE KAGOME OR SOMETHING, 'COS THAT IS _NOT_ MY SISTER!"

"YOU WEREN'T EVEN HERE, YOU WERE HIDING IN THE FUCKING SAFETY ROOM!" a girl was meanwhile screaming at her friend. "SHE WAS ABOUT TO TELL HIM SHE HATED HIM AS USUAL, AND THEN SHE JUST CHANGED TACK!"

"BULLSHIT!" her friend answered. "SHE SUDDENLY DECIDED SHE LOVES HIM, JUST LIKE THAT?! REAL FUCKING BELIEVABLE, YEAH RIGHT!"

"BUT YOU WEREN'T EVEN HERE, YOU FREAKING IDIOT! JUST GO AND TAKE A LOOK AT THEM IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME!"

All over the yard fights were breaking out concerning this bizarre new twist in Kagome and Inu's relationship. When the teachers tried to break up the fights, all they managed to do was to fuel the students' anger by coming with their own depressingly stupid ideas. For example, the History teacher Mr Myoga was telling anyone who would listen that both Inu and Kagome had been in love with each other all their life but hadn't shown it until now, and Kaede, the school nurse, was saying that Inu and Kagome were clearly under the influence of evil spirits and that they needed to be exorcised. 

Twinkie the cherub slowly floated upwards, thinking that once he got back to Heaven he'd go and raid God's stash of aspirin. 

                                                                    *

"That must have been the most _stupid_ idea he's ever had!" Twinkie raged, back in Heaven and talking to Metathron. "Instead of one pair of voices screaming now and again, we now have three hundred pairs of voices screaming non-stop! Real bright!"

"You know he's the boss, that's all there is to it," Metathron sighed, longing for an aspirin. Someone had raided the stash before, someone who would be severely punished once Metathron caught the culprit. "I'm thinking though, there has to be some way to replace him. What do you say we sort of… revolt?"

A big grin spread over Twinkie's face. 

"You mean… throw him down?"

"Put someone else on the throne?"

"Tell him to go to hell?"

"Exactly," said Metathron with a rather nasty smile. "You go and round up your little cherub friends and I'll take care of the angels' choir. It's revolution! Hasta la Victoria Siempre!"

"It's a deal," said Twinkie, stuck out his hand and shook Metathron's vigorously. "And now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go and practise on that ol' I-happen-to-be-the-supreme-ruler-of-the-Universe-stare before I find the rest of the cherubs…"

The manic grin on Metathron's face froze slightly.

"What?" he said. Twinkie looked innocently at him. 

"Well, for when I _am_ the supreme ruler of the Universe of course! I mean, face it: we're gonna need someone new in God's place, right, and frankly – although I don't like to boast – I am the cherub for the job. I'll be perfect as the new ruler."

"Oh no you won't. _I_ will be the new ruler."

"No way."

"I AM _NEVER_ GIVING UP THE THRONE OF HEAVEN TO SOME SECOND-RATE CHERUB!!!"

"WELL I'M NEVER GOING TO GIVE THE THRONE OF HEAVEN UP TO SOME – SOME – SOME SECOND-RATE GOD'S RIGHT-HAND MAN! HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT ONLY SPYING FOR HIM, HUH?"

"YOU INSOLENT BASTARD!"

"YOU TRAITOR TO THE REVOLUTION!"

                                                                    *

God closed the door to his office and clapped a pair of fluffy ear-muffs over his head. Then he walked over to a small cabinet in one corner, opened it, and frowned.

"Aw, shucks," he said, feeling rather annoyed. "Where did my stash of aspirin go?"

The end 


End file.
